FEELINGS

I feel like letting my feelings out on a number of topics, becuase, really, the only people who read this are Kayla and maybe one other person I've never met.  I'm not one YouTube.  I don't sing in a Wrock band.  I'm just that random girl who isn't popular and never will be, even amogst those who are nerds like me.  I'll always be that dork standing in the corner and shoving my way into a group that has at least one person that is friendly to me.  It's always been that way.  I'm not pretty. I *can't* be pretty.  I can straighten my hair and wear tons of make up and go on a diet and wear only Aeropostale clothes, or whatever, but I'll still be a dork.  I don't have social skills.  Even the people that do accept me leave me out, only talking to me every once-and-a-while.  I think that I have amazing friends.  I love them.  But I think that in the end they'll all get tired of me and start drifting away.  The girl that was my best friend until I moved had already started slipping away even before I moved.  And afterwards, there was no hope that we would ever really be close again.  She's now one of the "popular" kids at her school and has a constant flow of boyfriens, where as I've never had a guy like me in my life.  It's kind of depressing.  Sometimes I just have to cry.  Atheists confuse me.  I know that if I didn't believe God was there, I wouldn't last more than the next few months.  Sometimes I still feel as if I've been abandoned.  The guy I like is one of the "popular" people.  He used to be really good friends with Kayla, so I know that he's really an amazing person, but he can be a total jerk.  Even though he is one, everytime he smiles I can't help but smile, too.  It's involuntary.  I just really like his smile.  There are other people that I think I *could* like.  I like them enough and they actually talk to me, but it's not the same.  I tend to talk too much and get really annoying, so maybe I'll start keeping my mouth shut and only answering direct questions from everyone but the few people I really trust.  A few people have told me I'm funny, but I don't think I am.  Keep in mind that two of these people are my little siblings who are easily amused.  Someday I want to gather all of my "friends" and my real ones, too, and tell them to put an "x" on a peice of paper if they've ever said something about me that they wouldn't want me to know they said.  I bet at least half of them would put an "x" if they were truthful.  The only way I can think of to be accepted is to change who I am completely.  I don't want to do that.  I want to be more like Kayla, whom people just seem to love.  I want to be thin and pretty.  But I know that won't happen.  I could go a week without eating more than 200 calories a day and only lose one pound or so.  So a diet definitely wouldn't do anything.  I could go for fat, ugly guys, but I don't like any of them.  Even if I was surrounded by Nerdfighters, I wouldn't make friends with more than a few.  They would all go towards Kayla or someone more popular, like Kara.  As you may be able to tell, I am a little jealous of a lot of people.  And I'm not even that nice of a person.  I have a really bad temper and get annoyed easily.  Maybe that contirbutes to people not liking me.  I don't know.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.

     So, in good news, my friend and I made up a good name for a Wrock band.  No Post on Sundays.  I don't know why I love it that much.  Also, there is a slight possibility that I might see Kayla tomorrow, but it's unlikely.  I finished The Hunger Games around one last night/this morning.  It was so good, but I don't even know what was so addictive about it.  It just was.  I convinced my mom to buy me Catching Fire (which I didn't think I stood a chance of doing) in exchange for me doing a whole lot of cleaning tomorrow.  Oh, the things I do for books. 

Sexy: Nerd boys who love to read, especially if it's Harry Potter they love to read.
Unsexy: Me, but you probably already knew that. =P