Thoughts on Dating

You see, I don't want to date. I don't care if other people do. I mean, my best friend is dating an atheist. But I'm saving myself for my future husband. I think that friendship is the way to go. I'm not saying that I'll never like anyone, because I have, but I'm saying that I wouldn't date them. I think that you should always start out with a friendship and go places as friends. And if both of you end up falling in love and work well together, you should call them your boyfriend/girlfriend, then move on to marriage. Even if you don't call them your boyfriend or girlfriend, it still works the same way. God has created someone who is perfect for me, someone who will love me unconditionally. We will find each other eventually. That doesn't mean I don't have to look. But I don't have to look by dating. Again, the friendship thing comes into play. You may be thinking, "What kind if crap is this?" but it's the way I think.  Also, if we are called to dedicate our lives and hearts to God, why would we be giving it to other people and focusing on less important relationships? "No more dating, I'm just waiting. God is writing my love story." That's from the song Average Girl by BarlowGirl. I love it. Why waste your time chasing after boys who will only break your heart when you can turn to God? As my youth pastor once said, "Stop giving away pieces of your heart away to every guy you come to. When Jesus goes to present it to the man you were made for, don't make him go empty-handed." Those words are so true. Save your heart and body for your husband. If you give your heart to every guy, only to have it crushed and ripped every time, it will end up damaged so badly that you may not know who you are meant for. Don't let that happen. Don't cause someone else to be eternally lonely, too.

On a related note, I saw a video of a skit the other day. It made me cry. It made me realise that God *doesn't* make junk. We are beautiful because of Him. Satan is lying to us, trying to pull us down, by convincing us that we're not good enough. I've spent so much of my life with low self-esteem (as you know if you've read most of more recent blogs) and I'm sick of it. I want to cast it away, but at the same time I'm afraid to let go. I can't explain why. We cling to our sin and pain, but I don't know the reason. I want to let go, to lay down my life to the Lord. I want to love everyone, despite their own hatred. I thrive off making others happy. It's the only time when I truly love my whole self.  Maybe that's not a good thing, but I love that my main purpose in life is to try and make others happy.  It makes me feel really good.  That was a bit off topic, but I don't care. 

Mission: Happy Blog

That annoying little girl I call my best friend decided I needed to blog about happiness.  Or she would eat me.  So, here I am, blogging for the first time in a while.  Sometimes I love life.  Last night was not one of those times.  No particular reason.  So here is why life can be amazing:

• God.  I don't know where I would be without my relationship with Him or Jesus.  The church I go to on Friday nights is one of the best places on this planet.  The people are awesome and the music and message.  I love it. 
• The internet.  The online community is absolutely wonderful.  I'm friends with people quite a lot older than me, people who I don't know if I would have talked to in real life.  That's brilliant. 
• Friends.  I may not have many, but I do love the ones I have. 

• Music.  Music is my life.  I play piano and cello and sing.  I am always singing, humming, tapping a beat or listening to music.  Always.

      There's not really anything else that makes me really happy.  I guess it's just the simple things.  She also wants me to make a list of twenty things I love about myself.  Do you know how hard that is?  Well, here it goes... *grumbles*

1. I'm really good at math.
2. I'm a freakish nerd.
3. My hair is crazy.
4. I've become such a better Christian lately.
5. I have natural musical talent. 
6. I have awesome friends.
7. I'm almost ginger.
8. I watch Doctor Who.
9. I give pretty good hugs.
10. I got a 28 on the ACT in 7th grade.
11. I have problems with talking bad about people, unless I'm talking about how wicked their actions are. 
12. My score on the English portion of the ACT was 34, almost perfect. 
13. I own a Star Trek shirt. 
14. I know all of the lyrics to This Is Never Gonna End by The Parselmouths.
15. I don't look too bad in skinny jeans.
16. I'm my own person and try not to conform.
17. I'm short. :D
18. I'm wearing a shirt that makes my boobs look big.  (Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?)
19. I wear a lot of purple. 
20. My iTunes has everything from Underøth to Rascal Flatts. From Skillet to Mozart.

Ah. The return of the emo blog...

I've been reading a lot of Postsecret the past few days, and it always makes me really depressed because I manage to forget how I feel until someone else says something that hits home.  I'm the type of person who hides away behind a mask of happiness and confidence, when I have extremely low self esteem, to the point where I can barely tell if I am truly happy.  I tell people that they are beautiful no matter what, but I'm the one person that I can't imagine that being true about.  I'm such a hypocrite.   I feel like I can't talk to anyone, though, because everyone is far too amazing to feel as insecure and unloved as I do.  It's easier for me to talk to complete strangers about how I feel than my best friend, simply because she is so beautiful and amazing that I don't know how she could possibly relate.  Sometimes I wish that I could go back to that time when I was younger and didn't give a crap about what everyone thought.  I was so happy back then.  Back when my biggest fear was something trivial and unlikely to happen, instead of this constant fear that I will end up completely alone, abandoned by my friends and family, never having been loved, and everyone growing tired and bored of me.  I just wanted to get this out, and I have a hard time talking about it.  Blogging feels so indirect, but so personal at the same time.  It's perfect for this type of thing.  I want people to know, but I can't tell them. 

I miss yesterday...

Yesterday Kayla, Morgan and I went to the mall and bought Blood Pops (98 cents a bag!) and ran around not buying anything else, just having fun.  Then Kayla and I continued on to a youth group/worship thing called Ignited 12:21 at her friend's church.  They started out with wheelchair dodge ball,which isn't really in wheelchairs, and then progressed on to a game called Onion.  A person sits in the middle of a circle of people with their arms linked.  Then another circle forms around them, then another.  Well, the number of layers depends on the amount of people.  The other team has numbers and whenever a particular number is called the people with that number run and try to peel the onion.  You have to link arms very tightly so that you don't get pulled away.  It really fun, but my arms are sore now.  Also, Ted from With Open Eyes was in front of me and leaning on me half of the time we played that game.  I tried not to smell his hair, but then gave in and it smelled quite good.  When they become famous I'll be able to say, "Well, I smelled Ted's hair before they were famous and it smelled good." ^-^  It would be interesting to see people's reactions to that.
    
     Now, about the more religious part.  The beginning of it was the youth leader reading about how God wants all of your heart, not just the part you're not ashamed to show and how you have nothing to hide from God and whatever is going wrong needs to be told, anyway, because we can't handle it on our own.  I got teary and almost started crying, just because I've had self-esteem issues for a while and I've not been able to fix them on my own.  We ended up spreading out across the room and praying, during which I really started crying for several reasons.  As I mentioned, I have low self esteem and both my dad and grandmother are dealing with cancer.  My dad's is very minor prostate cancer and should be fixed by a surgery, but I'm scared that it won't be and maybe he'll be pat of that tiny percentage that doesn't survive.  I'm not sure what I'd do without my dad.  My grandmother has breast cancer, which I know also has I high survival rate, but my fears are the same for her.  We were told to stand up and be free after we had let everything out.  It was beautiful.  We came back to the front after everyone was done praying and worshiped with music a little bit more.  Then the youth leader got into how God's love is like a father's love, but even stronger.  He then asked everyone who had never really had a father's love to come to the front.  Because of this I had to back up and stop hugging Kaitlyn, who'd I'd now like to consider my friend.  He got his children to come on stage and hugged them.  He was crying and they were crying and everyone was crying, except maybe some guys.  Males tend to cry less then females. 
     A bit later, after all of the crying and hugging of crying people, one boy shared a dream he'd had about how a man was walking to an alter with a war going on between angels and demons above him and every time someone came up and touched him, praying, another angel was added to the battle and eventually the demons were defeated.  We then went around telling our friends we loved them and even some people we didn't know.  Then came the two biggest group hugs I've ever been in.  It was amazing and I hope to join that youth group someday soon. 

     So, up until a little while ago I was sitting on my bed drinking water out of my Boylan bottle, eating a blood pop, and listening to With Open Eyes.  I am still listening to them.  Obviously, I miss yesterday a bit too much.  I should be going on the 12th and there's no way I am missing out on the 19th (there's a man flying in from Cheffield, England and WOE is playing!), even if that means I have to force my grandfather to not want us to go to dinner with his for his birthday until the next day.

Unsexy: People that don't believe in the love and grace of Jesus Christ, but I've nothing against you if you don't. =)
Sexy: Christian/Hardcore/Experimental bands (as WOE is discribed on their Myspace)