I miss yesterday...

Yesterday Kayla, Morgan and I went to the mall and bought Blood Pops (98 cents a bag!) and ran around not buying anything else, just having fun.  Then Kayla and I continued on to a youth group/worship thing called Ignited 12:21 at her friend's church.  They started out with wheelchair dodge ball,which isn't really in wheelchairs, and then progressed on to a game called Onion.  A person sits in the middle of a circle of people with their arms linked.  Then another circle forms around them, then another.  Well, the number of layers depends on the amount of people.  The other team has numbers and whenever a particular number is called the people with that number run and try to peel the onion.  You have to link arms very tightly so that you don't get pulled away.  It really fun, but my arms are sore now.  Also, Ted from With Open Eyes was in front of me and leaning on me half of the time we played that game.  I tried not to smell his hair, but then gave in and it smelled quite good.  When they become famous I'll be able to say, "Well, I smelled Ted's hair before they were famous and it smelled good." ^-^  It would be interesting to see people's reactions to that.
    
     Now, about the more religious part.  The beginning of it was the youth leader reading about how God wants all of your heart, not just the part you're not ashamed to show and how you have nothing to hide from God and whatever is going wrong needs to be told, anyway, because we can't handle it on our own.  I got teary and almost started crying, just because I've had self-esteem issues for a while and I've not been able to fix them on my own.  We ended up spreading out across the room and praying, during which I really started crying for several reasons.  As I mentioned, I have low self esteem and both my dad and grandmother are dealing with cancer.  My dad's is very minor prostate cancer and should be fixed by a surgery, but I'm scared that it won't be and maybe he'll be pat of that tiny percentage that doesn't survive.  I'm not sure what I'd do without my dad.  My grandmother has breast cancer, which I know also has I high survival rate, but my fears are the same for her.  We were told to stand up and be free after we had let everything out.  It was beautiful.  We came back to the front after everyone was done praying and worshiped with music a little bit more.  Then the youth leader got into how God's love is like a father's love, but even stronger.  He then asked everyone who had never really had a father's love to come to the front.  Because of this I had to back up and stop hugging Kaitlyn, who'd I'd now like to consider my friend.  He got his children to come on stage and hugged them.  He was crying and they were crying and everyone was crying, except maybe some guys.  Males tend to cry less then females. 
     A bit later, after all of the crying and hugging of crying people, one boy shared a dream he'd had about how a man was walking to an alter with a war going on between angels and demons above him and every time someone came up and touched him, praying, another angel was added to the battle and eventually the demons were defeated.  We then went around telling our friends we loved them and even some people we didn't know.  Then came the two biggest group hugs I've ever been in.  It was amazing and I hope to join that youth group someday soon. 

     So, up until a little while ago I was sitting on my bed drinking water out of my Boylan bottle, eating a blood pop, and listening to With Open Eyes.  I am still listening to them.  Obviously, I miss yesterday a bit too much.  I should be going on the 12th and there's no way I am missing out on the 19th (there's a man flying in from Cheffield, England and WOE is playing!), even if that means I have to force my grandfather to not want us to go to dinner with his for his birthday until the next day.

Unsexy: People that don't believe in the love and grace of Jesus Christ, but I've nothing against you if you don't. =)
Sexy: Christian/Hardcore/Experimental bands (as WOE is discribed on their Myspace)

In Which the Subject Changes, Then Goes Back, Then Goes Back to the Second Subject

So, the Deathly Hallows trailer came out a few days ago, and I'm really scared.  I don't want this to be over.  I'm scared that the fandom won't be as large or awesome by the time I really get to be a part of it.  At the moment, my part in the fandom is watching YouTube videos, reading blogs (not lately), and stalking people on Twitter.  I want to start making videos and go to WRock concerts, and go to cons.  I'm afraid that when I finally do, people will have forgotten a bit about Harry.  There's a chance that I'll be going to LeakyCon 2011, but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I'll be that one girl who can't even make friends among other nerds.  That I'll just be that fat, ugly, wierd little girl standing in the corner humming the harmony to what little WRock she knows.  I don't have the money to buy CDs (my mum won't buy them for me and I'm a bit too young for a job...), so I don't know or own as much music as I would like to.  I'll be that dork that everyone just looks at and raises their eyebrows, because she is so awkward and odd.  I don't want that to happen.  I was born too late, so that I'm a good 10 years younger than a lot of the more popular fans, and I didn't really become part of the fandom until about January of this year, but I did watch alwayspureblood for a while, until I became a bit too obsessed with Terminus and stumbled across italktosnakes.  It all developed from there.  I'm not sure if the people in the fandom would like me.  Yeah, so I do have HP-loving friends, but only about five (and three of them I don't talk to as much), and they're my ONLY FRIENDS.  So, as you can tell, I'm pretty socially awkward.  My best friend, Kayla, (I say that like she's not the only one that reads this) doesn't get why I can't just walk up to the guy I like and start  conversation with him.  I'm too afraid that he will think I'm a freak and avoid me at all costs.  And I'm not good at talking to people about things other than Harry Potter, Doctor Who, YouTube, and music, so that limits what I could talk about.  *Sigh*  I used to be able to talk about anything, but now it's like my mind has run out of interesting topics.  I used to have a lot of friends.  How did this go from "I'll miss Harry Potter" to "I'm lame and have no friends?"  You know you're writing a blog past midnight when...

Trying to Live Like Luna

For a while now, I've been one of those girls who could never live up to the expectations of this world, and then tries to anyway, getting really upset when I can't.  For a while now, I've been extremely self-conscious of my appearance, and tried to fit in, even though I'm fat and have frizzy hair and acne and could never fit in.  For a while now, I've cared far too much what everyone else thinks.  This is going to stop.  I think it's time to start living like Luna Lovegood.  It's time to just be myself and not care what everyone else thinks.  It's time to be that loyal friend that you love, even if you are her only friend.  From now on I am going to dress how I want and not go around wearing Aeropostale shirts becuase that's what is "cool," and simply dress in what is comfortable and in what I like.  From now on I am going to hum "A Song About Acne" and not care who stares.  Well, maybe not from now on, only because I can't get a new mindset overnight.   I have to work towards it. 
     Before, I lived on songs like this, this, and this, just because they helped me get through the day without breaking down.  Now I am going to live those songs.  I used to feel like this, but now I am going to try to think more like this.  I don't think I'll ever stop thinking that someone is better than me, but I'll just put that out of my head.  Now, only the people who can like me no matter how nerdy and unnatractive I am will be the people I like.  Only the tolerant people.  And I'm going to remember that, no matter how obnoxious and ugly I am, God and my true friends will always love me.  I'll still wear make up and dress in cute(ish) clothes, but it will no longer be my top priority.  Now, the only person I am going to try to please is myself.  As long as I stay a good person, there is no reason to feel bad about myself.  From now on, this video will be my inspiration.  I will love every minute of being myself.

Surviving Mosh Pits

EDIT!!!!!!!! When I said "which I did not take part in* I was only referring to the throw downs.  I did do the rest.

So, I'm at Kayla's house, and we went to this really awesome Christian rock concert.  With Open Eyes, Shine Bright Baby, and Whispers Among the Chaos played.  There was a bit of moshing, a chain, thrashing and throw downs (which I did not take part in), and much much headbanging.  It was amazing.  I suggest you all go to a concert where at least one of the sets has some screaming.  Christians can rock out more than most people, despite what you may think.  We are hardcore.  The mosh pit was fun, but slightly painful.  There was a lot of pushing and falling.  AMAZING.  All of the bands were amazing.  I suggest you check all of them out (except for Whispers among the Chaos, as I couldn't find a link).  If you have never been to a real rock concert, then you need to get your butt over to one in the next few months.  It was the most fun I've had in a while.

    Just because Kayla  is not the only one that can include those "you had to be there" conversations, here's a conversation that happened on my calculator in English.

"IM GONNA KILL YOU"
"THANKS, PIANO MAN" (no, I did not call him piano man)
"IM GONNA EAT YOU"
"IM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH MEDIEVAL TORTURE"
"IM GONNA KILL YOU WITH MIDDLE AGES TORTURE"
"IMA RIP YO BRACES OFF"
"OK YOU WIN"
 That was completely irrelevant and not funny unless you were one of the two of us, but I felt the need to include it.

Sexy: Mosh pits and headbanging
Unsexy: The injuries and horrible hair that followed.

Harry Potter Survey

General
Are you obsessed with Harry Potter?
Of course.  And all of the people in the fandom.
Could You Prove That Statement In Court?
Definitely.  I have proof.
Do You Know Any Of The Characters Middle Name’s?
No! *is sarcastic*
What’s Hermione’s?
Jean
What’s Ron’s?
Bilius
What’s Harry’s?
James
What’s Ginny’s?
Molly
Have You Seen All The Movies?
Si, amigo.
Read All The Books?
*smacks head* What kind of question is that? OF COURSE I HAVE!
What Do You Think Of JKR?
She pretty near the top of my long list of role models and she created my life.

Favorites
Weasley?
Arthur.  He's extremely quirky and sweet.
Character, Overall?
Dumbeldore or Luna.  It's a tie.
Female Character?
Luna Lovegood

Male Charcter?
Sirius.  I have a little crush on him.
Group Of Characters?
Dumbledore's Army.
Adult?
Sirius.
Professor?
Snape.  Don't judge me.
Ship?
Dramione all the way.
Spell?
Expecto Patronum.

Sweet?
Blood Pops.  Those things are nommy
Place?
The Burrow
Weasley Twin?
Fred.
Product?
Wands. 

Shop?
Weasley Wizard Wheezes

Least Favorites
Weasley?
Percy
Character, Overall?
Umbridge
Female?
Umbrudge
Male?
Peter Pettigrew
Adult?
Umbridge
Student?
Pansy Parkinson
Spell?
Avada Kadavra.  I don't approve of killing.
Book?
The first time I read them I didn't like CoS as much as the rest...
Ship?
Pansy/anyone. I don't like her.
Sweet?
Cockroach Clusters.
Death Eater?
Barty Crouch Junior.  Especially since David Tennant plays him and I can't view him as a bad guy.

Shop?
Borgan and Burkes. (is that how you spell it?)
Place
Knockturn Alley.

Professor?
Umbridge.

Couples? What Do You Think?
Ron/Hermione?
It's canon and I thinks it's sweet.
Harry/Hermione?
No.  Just no.
Harry/Ginny?
Eh. Okay.
Harry/Luna?
I think it's cute, but I prefer Neville/Luna
Harry/Pansy?
NO NO NO NO
Ron/Lavander?
No.  I don't like her and Hermione gets all depressed when that happens.
Ron/Luna?
Eh...
Ron/Pansy?
Didn't I already say PANSY GETS NO ONE!
Ron/Fleur?
Um. No.
Hermione/Krum?
They were cute.
Hermione/Draco?
A MILLION TIMES YES!!!!!!!!!! 
Hermione/FredORGeorge?
Maybe...
James/Lily?
Yes, but I don't like teenage James much.
Lily/Snape?
YES!!!!!!! (click the link)
Lily/Sirius?
Not really.
Lily/Lupin?
Maybe.
Tonks/Lupin?
Of course
Draco/Pansy?
NO! I THOUGHT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS!
Fred/Angelina?
No. George is with Angelina and Fred is dead, so I don't think it would work...
Bill/Fleur?
Not really, but it's canon, so...
Harry/Cho?
NO NO NO NO NO! I don't like her.
This Or That?
Harry or Ron?
Harry.  Ron gets on my nerves more than Harry does.
Hermione or Ginny?
Hermione.
Neville or Seamus?
Neville.  Ima marry me some Neville.
Snape or Slughorn?
Snape.
Fred Or George?
Fred
Harry/Ginny or Harry/Hermione?
Harry/Ginny
Ron/Hermione or Harry/Hermione
Ron/Hermione

Harry/Hermione or Harry/Luna?
Harry/Luna
Ron/Hermione or Ron/Luna?
Ron/Hermione
Hermione/Krum or Harry/Hermione?
Hermione/Krum
Ron/Lavander or Ron/Hermione?
Ron/Hermione
ButterBeer or Fire Whiskey?
Butterbeer
Zonko’s or Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes?
Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.
Hog’s Head Or The Three Broomsticks?
The Three Broomsticks.
James/Lily or Snape/Lily?
Snape/Lily
Hogwarts or Hogsmeade?
Hogwarts.
Hogsmeade Or Diagon Alley?
Diagon Alley.
Malfoy Manor or Knockturn Alley?
Malfoy Manor.
Beartie Bott’s or Fizzing Whizbees?
Bertie Bott's
Witch Weekly Or The Daily Prophet?
Witch Weekly?
Rita Skeeter or Barty Crouch?
Barty Crouch.  He's dead, so he wouldn't be much of a bother.
Gyrffindor or Ravenclaw?
Gryffindor.
 
Random
Have you Been to A Release Party?
No. =(
Ever cried while reading one of the books?
Yes.  A lot
A Movie?
Not much, but yes

Books or Movies?
Definitely books.
Had A Dream About Harry Potter?
A few times
Been To A Fansite?
Yup
Been to JKR’s Site?
Been on her site since before I was really part of the fandom.
Have You Ever Roleplayed?
Uh huh.
If So/Do..Who were you/ are you?
Bellatrix.
Did you use to have an absurd theory?
Erm... probably.
What was it?
I don't remember...
Did you/Do you hide your obbsession?
No. I EMBRACE IT!
Did it/ Does it work?
Of course embracing it works.
Ever dressed up like a Character? For Halloween or Just No Reason at all?
Yes.
Ever noticed That You can’t “Spell Hermione without Ron”?
Nope.
Did you just try to prove that wrong?
Actually, yes.
Notice That If Harry&Hermione Got Married They’d Have EXACT Same Intials?
Yes.  Then I realized that Hermione's initials would become HGP or HJGP after she got married...
Did you just try to prove that wrong?
Well, I guess in a way.
Have you noticed That Lily Evans And Ginny Weasley are alot alike?
Yes.
Do you find it wierd that Harry & His Dad Fell In Love With Girls So ALike?
Not at all.
Do you know what fanfiction is?
Yeah...
Ever Been To A Fanfiction site?
Yes.
Do you read fanfiction?
Yep.
If so, do you like it?
yes.  The good ones that aren't too OoC
Are you a member of a fanfiction site?
Yeah
What site?
http://www.fanfiction.net

Do you write fanfiction?
Not much.
Do you like to write fanfiction?
yes, but I hardly ever do.
Ever had Harry Potter Candy?
Yep. Nommy.
Do you own a lot of Harry Potter Stuff?
Eh. Not really.
Do you have Harry Potter Scene It?
No. =(
Do You Have A Harry Potter Shirt?
2 and one homemade shirt.
What Character Are You Most Often Compared Too?
Bellatrix, though I like to think I'm a bit like Luna.
Do You Agree With This?
I do have insane hair.
Do You Have Any Nicknames That Have To Do With Harry Potter?
Yup.
What Are They?
Bella and Harry Potter nerd
Do you object to being Called By them?
Not at all.
Are Your friends Supportive of your obsession?
The ones that share it. The others think I'm crazy (which I am)
Do you have any inside jokes that relate to Harry Potter?
Oh yes.  A lot.
What’s One?(You don’t have to explain)
Your hair is so magical.  That was Kayla's, but I'll keep it because it's my favorite.
Do you relate a lot of things to Harry Potter?
Everything finds some way to relate to Harry Potter.
Do you love being obsessed With Harry Potter?
I don't reckon I would be obsessed if I didn't like being obsessed.
Do you wish that you went to Hogwarts?
Yes.  Tons.
Have you re-read the books?
Yes.  Many times over.
Have you had A Harry Potter Themed Party?
Some day in the near future.
Have You Had An RP Party?
No.
Do You Want To?
Maybe.
Have you ever read a Harry Potter Musical?
No, but I've watched one.

Have You Ever Wrote One?
No, and you mean written, am I correct?
Do You Want To?
Not really.
Have you ever entered A Contest TO Win Something Harry Potter?
Yep
If You Wrote A Hogwarts Musical Would You Let People Read it
No.
Are You Going To Write One?
No
IS The Musical Thing Annoying You?
Not really.

Am I more annoying than Rita Skeeter?
If you were this would have ended long ago.

If I Were in The Hunger Games...

I would convince every good perrson that wasn't suicidal to team up with me and then we would fight the Capitol by protecting eachother and sharing resources.  Then either we would all win, or only one of us would, but either way the person who won wouldn't have done it by murdering everyone in sight.  That would make the Capitol the maddest and would spark hope in the rebel that if they all come together they can overthrow the Capitol and be happy.  That is all. Oh, and to let you know, the later at night I post my blogs the more emo they get.

FEELINGS

I feel like letting my feelings out on a number of topics, becuase, really, the only people who read this are Kayla and maybe one other person I've never met.  I'm not one YouTube.  I don't sing in a Wrock band.  I'm just that random girl who isn't popular and never will be, even amogst those who are nerds like me.  I'll always be that dork standing in the corner and shoving my way into a group that has at least one person that is friendly to me.  It's always been that way.  I'm not pretty. I *can't* be pretty.  I can straighten my hair and wear tons of make up and go on a diet and wear only Aeropostale clothes, or whatever, but I'll still be a dork.  I don't have social skills.  Even the people that do accept me leave me out, only talking to me every once-and-a-while.  I think that I have amazing friends.  I love them.  But I think that in the end they'll all get tired of me and start drifting away.  The girl that was my best friend until I moved had already started slipping away even before I moved.  And afterwards, there was no hope that we would ever really be close again.  She's now one of the "popular" kids at her school and has a constant flow of boyfriens, where as I've never had a guy like me in my life.  It's kind of depressing.  Sometimes I just have to cry.  Atheists confuse me.  I know that if I didn't believe God was there, I wouldn't last more than the next few months.  Sometimes I still feel as if I've been abandoned.  The guy I like is one of the "popular" people.  He used to be really good friends with Kayla, so I know that he's really an amazing person, but he can be a total jerk.  Even though he is one, everytime he smiles I can't help but smile, too.  It's involuntary.  I just really like his smile.  There are other people that I think I *could* like.  I like them enough and they actually talk to me, but it's not the same.  I tend to talk too much and get really annoying, so maybe I'll start keeping my mouth shut and only answering direct questions from everyone but the few people I really trust.  A few people have told me I'm funny, but I don't think I am.  Keep in mind that two of these people are my little siblings who are easily amused.  Someday I want to gather all of my "friends" and my real ones, too, and tell them to put an "x" on a peice of paper if they've ever said something about me that they wouldn't want me to know they said.  I bet at least half of them would put an "x" if they were truthful.  The only way I can think of to be accepted is to change who I am completely.  I don't want to do that.  I want to be more like Kayla, whom people just seem to love.  I want to be thin and pretty.  But I know that won't happen.  I could go a week without eating more than 200 calories a day and only lose one pound or so.  So a diet definitely wouldn't do anything.  I could go for fat, ugly guys, but I don't like any of them.  Even if I was surrounded by Nerdfighters, I wouldn't make friends with more than a few.  They would all go towards Kayla or someone more popular, like Kara.  As you may be able to tell, I am a little jealous of a lot of people.  And I'm not even that nice of a person.  I have a really bad temper and get annoyed easily.  Maybe that contirbutes to people not liking me.  I don't know.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.

     So, in good news, my friend and I made up a good name for a Wrock band.  No Post on Sundays.  I don't know why I love it that much.  Also, there is a slight possibility that I might see Kayla tomorrow, but it's unlikely.  I finished The Hunger Games around one last night/this morning.  It was so good, but I don't even know what was so addictive about it.  It just was.  I convinced my mom to buy me Catching Fire (which I didn't think I stood a chance of doing) in exchange for me doing a whole lot of cleaning tomorrow.  Oh, the things I do for books. 

Sexy: Nerd boys who love to read, especially if it's Harry Potter they love to read.
Unsexy: Me, but you probably already knew that. =P