Mission: Happy Blog

That annoying little girl I call my best friend decided I needed to blog about happiness.  Or she would eat me.  So, here I am, blogging for the first time in a while.  Sometimes I love life.  Last night was not one of those times.  No particular reason.  So here is why life can be amazing:

• God.  I don't know where I would be without my relationship with Him or Jesus.  The church I go to on Friday nights is one of the best places on this planet.  The people are awesome and the music and message.  I love it. 
• The internet.  The online community is absolutely wonderful.  I'm friends with people quite a lot older than me, people who I don't know if I would have talked to in real life.  That's brilliant. 
• Friends.  I may not have many, but I do love the ones I have. 

• Music.  Music is my life.  I play piano and cello and sing.  I am always singing, humming, tapping a beat or listening to music.  Always.

      There's not really anything else that makes me really happy.  I guess it's just the simple things.  She also wants me to make a list of twenty things I love about myself.  Do you know how hard that is?  Well, here it goes... *grumbles*

1. I'm really good at math.
2. I'm a freakish nerd.
3. My hair is crazy.
4. I've become such a better Christian lately.
5. I have natural musical talent. 
6. I have awesome friends.
7. I'm almost ginger.
8. I watch Doctor Who.
9. I give pretty good hugs.
10. I got a 28 on the ACT in 7th grade.
11. I have problems with talking bad about people, unless I'm talking about how wicked their actions are. 
12. My score on the English portion of the ACT was 34, almost perfect. 
13. I own a Star Trek shirt. 
14. I know all of the lyrics to This Is Never Gonna End by The Parselmouths.
15. I don't look too bad in skinny jeans.
16. I'm my own person and try not to conform.
17. I'm short. :D
18. I'm wearing a shirt that makes my boobs look big.  (Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?)
19. I wear a lot of purple. 
20. My iTunes has everything from Underøth to Rascal Flatts. From Skillet to Mozart.

Ah. The return of the emo blog...

I've been reading a lot of Postsecret the past few days, and it always makes me really depressed because I manage to forget how I feel until someone else says something that hits home.  I'm the type of person who hides away behind a mask of happiness and confidence, when I have extremely low self esteem, to the point where I can barely tell if I am truly happy.  I tell people that they are beautiful no matter what, but I'm the one person that I can't imagine that being true about.  I'm such a hypocrite.   I feel like I can't talk to anyone, though, because everyone is far too amazing to feel as insecure and unloved as I do.  It's easier for me to talk to complete strangers about how I feel than my best friend, simply because she is so beautiful and amazing that I don't know how she could possibly relate.  Sometimes I wish that I could go back to that time when I was younger and didn't give a crap about what everyone thought.  I was so happy back then.  Back when my biggest fear was something trivial and unlikely to happen, instead of this constant fear that I will end up completely alone, abandoned by my friends and family, never having been loved, and everyone growing tired and bored of me.  I just wanted to get this out, and I have a hard time talking about it.  Blogging feels so indirect, but so personal at the same time.  It's perfect for this type of thing.  I want people to know, but I can't tell them. 

I miss yesterday...

Yesterday Kayla, Morgan and I went to the mall and bought Blood Pops (98 cents a bag!) and ran around not buying anything else, just having fun.  Then Kayla and I continued on to a youth group/worship thing called Ignited 12:21 at her friend's church.  They started out with wheelchair dodge ball,which isn't really in wheelchairs, and then progressed on to a game called Onion.  A person sits in the middle of a circle of people with their arms linked.  Then another circle forms around them, then another.  Well, the number of layers depends on the amount of people.  The other team has numbers and whenever a particular number is called the people with that number run and try to peel the onion.  You have to link arms very tightly so that you don't get pulled away.  It really fun, but my arms are sore now.  Also, Ted from With Open Eyes was in front of me and leaning on me half of the time we played that game.  I tried not to smell his hair, but then gave in and it smelled quite good.  When they become famous I'll be able to say, "Well, I smelled Ted's hair before they were famous and it smelled good." ^-^  It would be interesting to see people's reactions to that.
    
     Now, about the more religious part.  The beginning of it was the youth leader reading about how God wants all of your heart, not just the part you're not ashamed to show and how you have nothing to hide from God and whatever is going wrong needs to be told, anyway, because we can't handle it on our own.  I got teary and almost started crying, just because I've had self-esteem issues for a while and I've not been able to fix them on my own.  We ended up spreading out across the room and praying, during which I really started crying for several reasons.  As I mentioned, I have low self esteem and both my dad and grandmother are dealing with cancer.  My dad's is very minor prostate cancer and should be fixed by a surgery, but I'm scared that it won't be and maybe he'll be pat of that tiny percentage that doesn't survive.  I'm not sure what I'd do without my dad.  My grandmother has breast cancer, which I know also has I high survival rate, but my fears are the same for her.  We were told to stand up and be free after we had let everything out.  It was beautiful.  We came back to the front after everyone was done praying and worshiped with music a little bit more.  Then the youth leader got into how God's love is like a father's love, but even stronger.  He then asked everyone who had never really had a father's love to come to the front.  Because of this I had to back up and stop hugging Kaitlyn, who'd I'd now like to consider my friend.  He got his children to come on stage and hugged them.  He was crying and they were crying and everyone was crying, except maybe some guys.  Males tend to cry less then females. 
     A bit later, after all of the crying and hugging of crying people, one boy shared a dream he'd had about how a man was walking to an alter with a war going on between angels and demons above him and every time someone came up and touched him, praying, another angel was added to the battle and eventually the demons were defeated.  We then went around telling our friends we loved them and even some people we didn't know.  Then came the two biggest group hugs I've ever been in.  It was amazing and I hope to join that youth group someday soon. 

     So, up until a little while ago I was sitting on my bed drinking water out of my Boylan bottle, eating a blood pop, and listening to With Open Eyes.  I am still listening to them.  Obviously, I miss yesterday a bit too much.  I should be going on the 12th and there's no way I am missing out on the 19th (there's a man flying in from Cheffield, England and WOE is playing!), even if that means I have to force my grandfather to not want us to go to dinner with his for his birthday until the next day.

Unsexy: People that don't believe in the love and grace of Jesus Christ, but I've nothing against you if you don't. =)
Sexy: Christian/Hardcore/Experimental bands (as WOE is discribed on their Myspace)

In Which the Subject Changes, Then Goes Back, Then Goes Back to the Second Subject

So, the Deathly Hallows trailer came out a few days ago, and I'm really scared.  I don't want this to be over.  I'm scared that the fandom won't be as large or awesome by the time I really get to be a part of it.  At the moment, my part in the fandom is watching YouTube videos, reading blogs (not lately), and stalking people on Twitter.  I want to start making videos and go to WRock concerts, and go to cons.  I'm afraid that when I finally do, people will have forgotten a bit about Harry.  There's a chance that I'll be going to LeakyCon 2011, but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I'll be that one girl who can't even make friends among other nerds.  That I'll just be that fat, ugly, wierd little girl standing in the corner humming the harmony to what little WRock she knows.  I don't have the money to buy CDs (my mum won't buy them for me and I'm a bit too young for a job...), so I don't know or own as much music as I would like to.  I'll be that dork that everyone just looks at and raises their eyebrows, because she is so awkward and odd.  I don't want that to happen.  I was born too late, so that I'm a good 10 years younger than a lot of the more popular fans, and I didn't really become part of the fandom until about January of this year, but I did watch alwayspureblood for a while, until I became a bit too obsessed with Terminus and stumbled across italktosnakes.  It all developed from there.  I'm not sure if the people in the fandom would like me.  Yeah, so I do have HP-loving friends, but only about five (and three of them I don't talk to as much), and they're my ONLY FRIENDS.  So, as you can tell, I'm pretty socially awkward.  My best friend, Kayla, (I say that like she's not the only one that reads this) doesn't get why I can't just walk up to the guy I like and start  conversation with him.  I'm too afraid that he will think I'm a freak and avoid me at all costs.  And I'm not good at talking to people about things other than Harry Potter, Doctor Who, YouTube, and music, so that limits what I could talk about.  *Sigh*  I used to be able to talk about anything, but now it's like my mind has run out of interesting topics.  I used to have a lot of friends.  How did this go from "I'll miss Harry Potter" to "I'm lame and have no friends?"  You know you're writing a blog past midnight when...

Trying to Live Like Luna

For a while now, I've been one of those girls who could never live up to the expectations of this world, and then tries to anyway, getting really upset when I can't.  For a while now, I've been extremely self-conscious of my appearance, and tried to fit in, even though I'm fat and have frizzy hair and acne and could never fit in.  For a while now, I've cared far too much what everyone else thinks.  This is going to stop.  I think it's time to start living like Luna Lovegood.  It's time to just be myself and not care what everyone else thinks.  It's time to be that loyal friend that you love, even if you are her only friend.  From now on I am going to dress how I want and not go around wearing Aeropostale shirts becuase that's what is "cool," and simply dress in what is comfortable and in what I like.  From now on I am going to hum "A Song About Acne" and not care who stares.  Well, maybe not from now on, only because I can't get a new mindset overnight.   I have to work towards it. 
     Before, I lived on songs like this, this, and this, just because they helped me get through the day without breaking down.  Now I am going to live those songs.  I used to feel like this, but now I am going to try to think more like this.  I don't think I'll ever stop thinking that someone is better than me, but I'll just put that out of my head.  Now, only the people who can like me no matter how nerdy and unnatractive I am will be the people I like.  Only the tolerant people.  And I'm going to remember that, no matter how obnoxious and ugly I am, God and my true friends will always love me.  I'll still wear make up and dress in cute(ish) clothes, but it will no longer be my top priority.  Now, the only person I am going to try to please is myself.  As long as I stay a good person, there is no reason to feel bad about myself.  From now on, this video will be my inspiration.  I will love every minute of being myself.

Surviving Mosh Pits

EDIT!!!!!!!! When I said "which I did not take part in* I was only referring to the throw downs.  I did do the rest.

So, I'm at Kayla's house, and we went to this really awesome Christian rock concert.  With Open Eyes, Shine Bright Baby, and Whispers Among the Chaos played.  There was a bit of moshing, a chain, thrashing and throw downs (which I did not take part in), and much much headbanging.  It was amazing.  I suggest you all go to a concert where at least one of the sets has some screaming.  Christians can rock out more than most people, despite what you may think.  We are hardcore.  The mosh pit was fun, but slightly painful.  There was a lot of pushing and falling.  AMAZING.  All of the bands were amazing.  I suggest you check all of them out (except for Whispers among the Chaos, as I couldn't find a link).  If you have never been to a real rock concert, then you need to get your butt over to one in the next few months.  It was the most fun I've had in a while.

    Just because Kayla  is not the only one that can include those "you had to be there" conversations, here's a conversation that happened on my calculator in English.

"IM GONNA KILL YOU"
"THANKS, PIANO MAN" (no, I did not call him piano man)
"IM GONNA EAT YOU"
"IM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH MEDIEVAL TORTURE"
"IM GONNA KILL YOU WITH MIDDLE AGES TORTURE"
"IMA RIP YO BRACES OFF"
"OK YOU WIN"
 That was completely irrelevant and not funny unless you were one of the two of us, but I felt the need to include it.

Sexy: Mosh pits and headbanging
Unsexy: The injuries and horrible hair that followed.

Harry Potter Survey

General
Are you obsessed with Harry Potter?
Of course.  And all of the people in the fandom.
Could You Prove That Statement In Court?
Definitely.  I have proof.
Do You Know Any Of The Characters Middle Name’s?
No! *is sarcastic*
What’s Hermione’s?
Jean
What’s Ron’s?
Bilius
What’s Harry’s?
James
What’s Ginny’s?
Molly
Have You Seen All The Movies?
Si, amigo.
Read All The Books?
*smacks head* What kind of question is that? OF COURSE I HAVE!
What Do You Think Of JKR?
She pretty near the top of my long list of role models and she created my life.

Favorites
Weasley?
Arthur.  He's extremely quirky and sweet.
Character, Overall?
Dumbeldore or Luna.  It's a tie.
Female Character?
Luna Lovegood

Male Charcter?
Sirius.  I have a little crush on him.
Group Of Characters?
Dumbledore's Army.
Adult?
Sirius.
Professor?
Snape.  Don't judge me.
Ship?
Dramione all the way.
Spell?
Expecto Patronum.

Sweet?
Blood Pops.  Those things are nommy
Place?
The Burrow
Weasley Twin?
Fred.
Product?
Wands. 

Shop?
Weasley Wizard Wheezes

Least Favorites
Weasley?
Percy
Character, Overall?
Umbridge
Female?
Umbrudge
Male?
Peter Pettigrew
Adult?
Umbridge
Student?
Pansy Parkinson
Spell?
Avada Kadavra.  I don't approve of killing.
Book?
The first time I read them I didn't like CoS as much as the rest...
Ship?
Pansy/anyone. I don't like her.
Sweet?
Cockroach Clusters.
Death Eater?
Barty Crouch Junior.  Especially since David Tennant plays him and I can't view him as a bad guy.

Shop?
Borgan and Burkes. (is that how you spell it?)
Place
Knockturn Alley.

Professor?
Umbridge.

Couples? What Do You Think?
Ron/Hermione?
It's canon and I thinks it's sweet.
Harry/Hermione?
No.  Just no.
Harry/Ginny?
Eh. Okay.
Harry/Luna?
I think it's cute, but I prefer Neville/Luna
Harry/Pansy?
NO NO NO NO
Ron/Lavander?
No.  I don't like her and Hermione gets all depressed when that happens.
Ron/Luna?
Eh...
Ron/Pansy?
Didn't I already say PANSY GETS NO ONE!
Ron/Fleur?
Um. No.
Hermione/Krum?
They were cute.
Hermione/Draco?
A MILLION TIMES YES!!!!!!!!!! 
Hermione/FredORGeorge?
Maybe...
James/Lily?
Yes, but I don't like teenage James much.
Lily/Snape?
YES!!!!!!! (click the link)
Lily/Sirius?
Not really.
Lily/Lupin?
Maybe.
Tonks/Lupin?
Of course
Draco/Pansy?
NO! I THOUGHT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS!
Fred/Angelina?
No. George is with Angelina and Fred is dead, so I don't think it would work...
Bill/Fleur?
Not really, but it's canon, so...
Harry/Cho?
NO NO NO NO NO! I don't like her.
This Or That?
Harry or Ron?
Harry.  Ron gets on my nerves more than Harry does.
Hermione or Ginny?
Hermione.
Neville or Seamus?
Neville.  Ima marry me some Neville.
Snape or Slughorn?
Snape.
Fred Or George?
Fred
Harry/Ginny or Harry/Hermione?
Harry/Ginny
Ron/Hermione or Harry/Hermione
Ron/Hermione

Harry/Hermione or Harry/Luna?
Harry/Luna
Ron/Hermione or Ron/Luna?
Ron/Hermione
Hermione/Krum or Harry/Hermione?
Hermione/Krum
Ron/Lavander or Ron/Hermione?
Ron/Hermione
ButterBeer or Fire Whiskey?
Butterbeer
Zonko’s or Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes?
Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.
Hog’s Head Or The Three Broomsticks?
The Three Broomsticks.
James/Lily or Snape/Lily?
Snape/Lily
Hogwarts or Hogsmeade?
Hogwarts.
Hogsmeade Or Diagon Alley?
Diagon Alley.
Malfoy Manor or Knockturn Alley?
Malfoy Manor.
Beartie Bott’s or Fizzing Whizbees?
Bertie Bott's
Witch Weekly Or The Daily Prophet?
Witch Weekly?
Rita Skeeter or Barty Crouch?
Barty Crouch.  He's dead, so he wouldn't be much of a bother.
Gyrffindor or Ravenclaw?
Gryffindor.
 
Random
Have you Been to A Release Party?
No. =(
Ever cried while reading one of the books?
Yes.  A lot
A Movie?
Not much, but yes

Books or Movies?
Definitely books.
Had A Dream About Harry Potter?
A few times
Been To A Fansite?
Yup
Been to JKR’s Site?
Been on her site since before I was really part of the fandom.
Have You Ever Roleplayed?
Uh huh.
If So/Do..Who were you/ are you?
Bellatrix.
Did you use to have an absurd theory?
Erm... probably.
What was it?
I don't remember...
Did you/Do you hide your obbsession?
No. I EMBRACE IT!
Did it/ Does it work?
Of course embracing it works.
Ever dressed up like a Character? For Halloween or Just No Reason at all?
Yes.
Ever noticed That You can’t “Spell Hermione without Ron”?
Nope.
Did you just try to prove that wrong?
Actually, yes.
Notice That If Harry&Hermione Got Married They’d Have EXACT Same Intials?
Yes.  Then I realized that Hermione's initials would become HGP or HJGP after she got married...
Did you just try to prove that wrong?
Well, I guess in a way.
Have you noticed That Lily Evans And Ginny Weasley are alot alike?
Yes.
Do you find it wierd that Harry & His Dad Fell In Love With Girls So ALike?
Not at all.
Do you know what fanfiction is?
Yeah...
Ever Been To A Fanfiction site?
Yes.
Do you read fanfiction?
Yep.
If so, do you like it?
yes.  The good ones that aren't too OoC
Are you a member of a fanfiction site?
Yeah
What site?
http://www.fanfiction.net

Do you write fanfiction?
Not much.
Do you like to write fanfiction?
yes, but I hardly ever do.
Ever had Harry Potter Candy?
Yep. Nommy.
Do you own a lot of Harry Potter Stuff?
Eh. Not really.
Do you have Harry Potter Scene It?
No. =(
Do You Have A Harry Potter Shirt?
2 and one homemade shirt.
What Character Are You Most Often Compared Too?
Bellatrix, though I like to think I'm a bit like Luna.
Do You Agree With This?
I do have insane hair.
Do You Have Any Nicknames That Have To Do With Harry Potter?
Yup.
What Are They?
Bella and Harry Potter nerd
Do you object to being Called By them?
Not at all.
Are Your friends Supportive of your obsession?
The ones that share it. The others think I'm crazy (which I am)
Do you have any inside jokes that relate to Harry Potter?
Oh yes.  A lot.
What’s One?(You don’t have to explain)
Your hair is so magical.  That was Kayla's, but I'll keep it because it's my favorite.
Do you relate a lot of things to Harry Potter?
Everything finds some way to relate to Harry Potter.
Do you love being obsessed With Harry Potter?
I don't reckon I would be obsessed if I didn't like being obsessed.
Do you wish that you went to Hogwarts?
Yes.  Tons.
Have you re-read the books?
Yes.  Many times over.
Have you had A Harry Potter Themed Party?
Some day in the near future.
Have You Had An RP Party?
No.
Do You Want To?
Maybe.
Have you ever read a Harry Potter Musical?
No, but I've watched one.

Have You Ever Wrote One?
No, and you mean written, am I correct?
Do You Want To?
Not really.
Have you ever entered A Contest TO Win Something Harry Potter?
Yep
If You Wrote A Hogwarts Musical Would You Let People Read it
No.
Are You Going To Write One?
No
IS The Musical Thing Annoying You?
Not really.

Am I more annoying than Rita Skeeter?
If you were this would have ended long ago.